Men and emotions
We all have feelings. Men and women typically handle emotions in quite
different ways. When upset, women are likely to express their feelings directly,
and to seek the support of friends and family, whereas men might typically hide
their emotions or withdraw. What explains these differences?
What makes a man?
Men in Western cultures (and many other cultures too) are socialised to hide
their emotions, be self-reliant, and ‘act’ rather than feel. These notions are
embodied in the cultural stereotypes of the heroic male, so often represented in
film and television. Fearless, resourceful, stoic and usually facing adversity
alone, these characters tell us a lot about what our culture considers ideal
male behaviour.
More powerful than film characters are the roles we see our parents playing.
Many men have experienced fathers who were emotionally distant, who rarely if
ever cried or expressed affection outwardly. The way we see our parents behave
becomes the unconscious template on which our own behaviour as adults is
built.
The four basic emotions
It is helpful to think in terms of four basic human emotions: sadness, anger,
happiness and fear. These are sometimes referred to as ‘sad, mad, glad and bad.’
Of these four emotions, only anger, and to a lesser extent, happiness, are
considered truly ‘manly’ in the conventional model of masculinity. Yet fear and
sadness are universal to the human species, not just women! These emotions serve
a valuable purpose and are normal responses to threat and loss.
Because of the taboo against these supposedly ‘weak’ emotions, men often
‘bottle up’ their sadness and anxiety, and channel it into the emotion most
available to them: anger. This can cause some men who are suffering emotionally
to become powder kegs of potentially violent rage.
Because they have been taught to suppress their feelings, many men simply do
not have the words to describe their own feeling states. This can lead to great
frustration in relationship when they cannot express their needs, fears and
griefs. Men often feel overwhelmed by their female partners when it comes to
discussing emotional issues, because they cannot articulate their feelings or
stand up for them. This can leave them feeling confused, angry and
powerless.
The costs of ‘bottling up’ emotion
The restriction of emotional expression in many men’s lives can lead to many
problems including:
- Health issues, due to carrying chronic tension in the body.
- Relationship difficulties due to an inability to resolve emotional conflicts
and/or a perceived lack of ability to be intimate.
- Psychological problems such as depression, insomnia and anxiety.
- Behavioural issues such as violence when bottled up emotions are channelled
into violent outbursts.
Getting in touch
Men are often told they have to ‘get in touch with their feelings,’ but what
does this really mean and how do you do it? Here are some strategies for getting
to know your own feelings better:
- Be aware of the sensations in your body. Emotion always manifests somewhere
in the body. Anger might be experienced as a flush of heat in the face, sadness
as a tightening throat, anxiety as a knot in the stomach. Practicing some forms
of meditation can help you to get in touch with these sensations and learn to
understand what they mean.
- When you are feeling angry, ask yourself what other emotions you might be
feeling? Are you really sad underneath, or afraid?
- Take the risk of showing your vulnerability with people who you feel safe
with. Give yourself permission to be a human, not a robot.
- Break the mould; ask for help when you need it.
- Learn to put words to what you are feeling.
- Try counselling. Talking with a ‘professional listener’ may help you
identify the feelings behind a particular concern.
- Identifying and expressing feelings is learnt behaviour – it only takes
practice.
© 2007 MensLine Australia.
Author: Pierz Newton-John
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